The ongoing battle for the control and ownership of church assets between the two factions of the Anglican church in Zimbabwe continue with the faction belonging to Bishop Nobert  Kunonga claiming total control of church assets after a High Court ruling. The battles, which led to the arrest of church members belonging to Anglican Church of the Province of Central Africa (ACPCA) faction led by Rt Revd Chad Nicholas Gandiyah began when Bishop Nobert Kunonga was sacked by the Anglican Church of the Province of Central Africa (ACPCA) in 2008.

The recent court ruling gave custodianship of Anglican Church properties to excommunicated bishop Dr Nobert Kunonga, a move that will result in many Anglican parishioners continuing to worship in the open. Despite the fact that the excommunicated Bishop formed a rival church he still occupies many Anglican churches in the country while enjoying the backing of the police. A recent crackdown by Bishop Kunonga has resulted in churchgoers getting injured, arrested and priests getting evicted from their homes in Harare.

After getting tired of praying with one eye open and always on the run from the police, members of ACPCA in Chitungwiza have decided to put their funds together and have purchased a stand from the council. Only time will tell whether Bishop Kunonga will pay an unwelcome visit to this new site and kick these brave worshippers out of their tent.

Zimbabwe Government rethinks South African GMO chicken imports ban. Government rethinks left-hand vehicle ban. Government rethinks second-hand car import. Government rethinks beer ban. Government rethinks plastic bags ban. Government rethinks mining law. Government rethinks indigenisation Bill. Government bans trousers in parliament. Government rethinks trouser ban after female MPs threaten to bare all. Zimbabwe joins Malawi, bans farting. Government rethinks stinking law. Government bans laughing at presidential portrait. Government rethinks funny bone ban. Government bans sex in dark places. Government sees the light, rethinks sex ban. Government bans sex work. Government rethinks sex ban, minister says okay to have sex while working. Agriculture production slumps. Government rethinks violent land-grab. [Well, that’s pushing it.] Mugabe rethinks GNU, so does everybody! Government rethinks condom ban in schools. Minister says sex is basic human right, even for students. Government outdoes itself, rethinks thinking.

Plato wrote that a better world can become a reality only if it is ruled by philosopher kings, in other words people who think. Thinkers as it were. Curiously, in Zimbabwe rethinkers come aplenty, and we all know where that has got us!

Heroes Day holiday

It is Heroes Day holiday,
To commemorate those
Who put their country first
And thought nothing of themselves.

It is Heroes Day holiday,
Beer-halls are packed to bursting,
Beer mugs and bottles are dancing in hands
As carousers drink beyond drinking.

It is Heroes Day holiday,
Some have already paired off illicitly,
The bush is on fire – some in dongas, others in cars
As they exchange STDs in the false name of love.

It is Heroes Day holiday,
The rich and powerful
Dance their intrigue games round braais
As they weave new plans for the next plunder.

It is Heroes Day holiday,
The whole nation is awash with joy,
Somewhere, worms are feeding on the heroes,
The heroes’ families are in deep mourning.

It is Heroes Day holiday, is it?

- Chirikure Chirikure

Written in 1989

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Much noise has been made about Pastor Makandiwa’s latest innovative idea of getting linked to his followers. Pastor Emmanuel Makandiwa founder of United Families International (UFI) ministries popularly known as the “The Man of God” by his followers recently launched an airtime recharge card called Christian Spiritual Link. With this recharge card one can communicate directly to the prophet by calling him to get over-the-phone prophecies and spiritual messages. The airtime card can be found in denominations of $3 and $6. Having the gift of delivering people from the bondage of Satan, Pastor Emmanuel Makandiwa now commands a huge following to the extent that he can fill the 60 000 seater National Sports Stadium for a single service. With such a huge following almost everyone would be willing to have personal contact with the Pastor. Thumbs up to the genius minds behind the idea.

While this is an innovative business venture it also comes with its own irregularities. With its special functions accessing any cellphone network in the country the Spiritual Link recharge card has drawn attention from the Post and Telecommunications Regulatory Authority of Zimbabwe (POTRAZ) leading to an investigation over the legality of this recharge card. On the back of the card, the leading three cellphone service companies can offer recharge platform numbers arousing speculation that maybe this was a partnership deal with these companies. POTRAZ’s investigations to establish whether there was contravention of the Telecommunications Act comes at a time when some papers have suggested that Pastor Makandiwa has fled the country. Its now up to the authorities to determine whether there was any breach of the law but I believe the Spiritual Link is really going to propel Pastor Makandiwa to the prosperity that he preaches in his sermons.

This is Mugabe’s driveway said my colleague. And what a long driveway too. I guess many of you have noticed how the Borrowdale Road is being resurfaced? It was in brilliant shape next to the many other roads that are pot holed and falling apart. But of course Mugabe’s motorcade comes first and as we all know the Borrowdale Road leads to his mansion. We’re all saps was her next comment. Because if you think about it, the upgrading of the Borrowdale road stinks. And what are we doing about it? Sweet F A as my ma would’ve said.

Then we passed a Zimbabwe Independent newspaper advertising billboard that said that our PM is being probed about a $1.5 million fraud. With not much more of a headline to go on I jokingly said well how do you reckon he got the money to renovate his mansion on Kew Drive? Tsvangirai doesn’t have the money himself to live so large so who exactly is footing the bill? Zanu PF needs to keep him under their thumb, so there’s a thought. Or maybe there’s a foreign hand involved. Or maybe its just that big egos can’t live in modest houses, so fuck the povo.

Either which way, what is it with big men in power, and mansions. I know some of you are thinking about that joke about men needing to make up for size in different ways but we won’t go there.

And then we talked about the comments starting to roll in about the Big Brother contestants getting cash from Mugabe. Someone suggested that Mugabe may well be changing sides having given a pale face some dosh, Vimbai, whose mother is out of favour, a kiss, and congratulating Chamisa for being a “supersonic” minister. Hmmm. What’s up with all that.