The Musasa Project as a follow up to a previous discussion on why educated and economically empowered women stay in abusive marriages last week hosted a discussion on how men manipulate women into blaming themselves for their failed marriages. The dominant themes revolved around issues of lobola (bride-price), socialisation and the question of patriarchy.
Lobola that in principle is supposed to be a token that’s paid to the woman’s parents is now practically viewed as a return on investment. Bride-price is now so exorbitant it often feels like the woman is being sold to the highest bidder. The discussion raised the point that this creates resentment in the marrying husband that may manifest later on in the marriage. For instance the husband may use that against the wife with the excuse that since he paid for her, she has no right to refuse him anything, especially conjugal rights.
Women also largely blamed the way they were and continue to be socialised by society and especially, other womenfolk in the form of aunts and mothers. They are told from early childhood the male is the head, is always rights and that everything they do should be to please the husband. It emerges that women are the primary socialisers as well the gatekeepers of patriarchy. In essence this means women are the main oppressors of other women.
The former is a dimension that goes largely goes unexplored because in a way it is deemed inconceivable, that women themselves are the major culprits. For starters, the word manipulate itself is quite vague and rather broad. I mean, it is hard to imagine how men sit down to plan and strategise how to subordinate their women to such an extent that they end up blaming themselves and not finding any fault with their husbands.
I believe that no one can do to you what you haven’t already done to yourself. It becomes a question of the concept of self, self- esteem and choice. Most women do not want to realise the fact that they have a choice. Most are addicted to approval and will not fulminate against societal expectations that oppress them. Some feel they just have to be married in order to have a sense of self and social standing.
On the issue of lobola, admittedly it has really gone out of hand. These days, anyone who plans to marry starts saving up for the occasion, in US dollars so that by the time they have enough, it will not have been eroded by inflation. If at some point in history a goat or one cow was sufficient to take in a wife, surely parents of today are distorting culture for personal financial gain. This is only counterproductive in the sense that it is their daughter who ends up taking the heat. In this one instance, I think the NIPC becomes a valid entity. If lobola issues are what cause disharmony later on in some marriages, then I think price regulations in this regard are well worth exploring, maybe under the domestic violence act.
At the end of it all, if we really cared about our women, it becomes important to desocialise ourselves of a whole lot of norms and societal expectations that play a subtle yet crucial role in later oppressing them in their married lives. There is need to instil new family values among which boy and girl children are seen and treated as equals, even if it starts with having boys also scrubbing floors and dishes. I believe this goes a long way in inculcating a sense of appreciation and respect of what women stand for on the part of men. I believe that a young man who grows up seeing his sister being the cook and the cleaner while he sits will at a later stage view his wife in the same way. He will not be moved to help or at least appreciate the tiring work she does simply because he was socialised to believe that’s the way its supposed to be, and this is one of the major problems faced in marriage.
I believe it is crucial to desocialise the husband-wife relationship from being a master- servant one to that one of friendship. Friends respect and treat each other as equals.
It is also crucial for society to recognise and respect women who have left failed marriages to stand on their own, not to treat them as outcasts while pinning various derogatory epithets on them for making such bold moves. They have already paid the price to be different.
Above all, it is important for women themselves to learn to feel for each other, instead of encouraging each other to hold on where things are obviously not working. They need to realise that their happiness is important too and that they have a right, as well as a choice to enjoy bodily integrity. Instead of blaming the men for manipulating them, it may do some good to do a little self-criticism because it is they that allow them to get away with it. If at all it is the case that men do somehow manipulate women, the fact that the women themselves realise this should spur them into action that will stop any further manipulation.
