I was lying in bed this morning a bit bleary eyed from too many serial killer Dexter episodes when I heard what used to be a very familiar sound. The noise of waste removal trucks that used to ply the streets of Harare’s suburbs picking up bags of rubbish placed outside homes. No such luck these days. When I drove out of my gate this morning I saw one solitary bag on the side of the road. Talk about optimistic. But this all reminded me of Kubatana’s current electronic activism campaign called One House at a Time. With the complete breakdown of municipal services in Zimbabwe we’ve got to clean up after ourselves. And that includes removing the Mugabe regime as well.

Nothing new about the New Year, someone complained. Yeah, another echoed. In fact the whole nation chorused: “No cheer for the near year!” “Screw it. I’m leaving this hellhole,” cursed a university graduate who is yet to get his certificate because the university says it does not have the special paper on which these important documents are printed. “I am taking my kids with me to South Africa,” whined a parent who came for the December holiday only to be told that Zimbabwean schools will not be opening anytime soon. So the kids are going to be enrolled in a South African school when everybody knows Zimbabwe has for decades been laughing at the education systems of other brother Africans. Now the tables have sure turned. “Happy New Year my arse,” chorused the whole nation. Great, just great.

Whenever the Prof Arthur Mutambara opens his mouth, all his guts fall out.

Of late, each time he has conducted an interview or written an article, it’s full of insults, sprinkled with unimaginably contemptuous and uncivil epithets or simply void of clear perspective. I’m reminded the last time he lost his cool in an interview with SW Radio Africa and needlessly ended up insulting the innocent interviewer. He said she was too slow, poor Violet. He is one of those whom after listening to what they say; you are left unsure of what exactly they stand for politically or whether something close to a fart has just been flung in your face. You just can’t fathom whose interests they represent because personally, they seem to possess none rational.

The good Prof has just unleashed another masterful fusillade to usher us into the New Year and it is aptly titled as Laying the Foundation for 2009: The inconvenient truths about the West. An excellent read – that falls in the same category as RBZ guv’nor’s latest book, Zimbabwe’s Casino Economy – for those with a fetish to bore themselves. Like everybody else, the Prof has the right to freedom of expression and accordingly I will not grudge him that right; he is entitled to his opinion. However, when that opinion is sickeningly and insultingly unenlightened as well as forced down the throats of the very people he invariably calls names, it also becomes a right to demand a certain level of respect from the good Professor.

Here is one guy who is convinced he is surrounded by idiots. In his latest article, the text is littered with words like unstrategic, ignorant, ineffective, uninformed and reckless, pathetic and foolish. All epithets used to describe the actions or the very beings of certain individuals among whom are Botswana President Ian Khama, Kenyan Prime Minister Raila Odinga as well as the Archbishops Desmond Tutu and John Sentamu. Now which 84 year-old does this kind of talk remind you of, anyone?

Clearly, the guy is pissed off with ATANAs (All Talk and No Action) but aren’t we all? Indeed, it has been exhaustingly annoying that all that politicians the world over have been good at doing was to issue endless statements and careless talk that does not articulate solutions while life in Zimbabwe becomes a more classic Hobbesian ‘short, nasty and brutish’ by the day. But to be so disrespectful, while at the same time one is also an ATANA, is the highest level of hypocrisy that demands an outrage. He vaingloriously berates the men and women calling for military intervention to shut up if they are not prepared to shed blood on Zimbabwean soil, because aside from this, that option is to be dismissed based on the repugnancy of the Iraq/ Afghanistan precedent. He is convinced the concerns of ‘Western’ governments are nothing short of being driven by racism and disrespect for African lives. Clearly the Prof does not believe in the existence of goodwill. Neither does he discern the preposterousness of any don’t-give-a-toss-about-Africans racist going out of their way to assist and clamor for the release of the same from the clutches of an Abhurian leader. A leader who is conducting a slow genocide through illegal abductions, denial of food relief to starving citizens as well as the refusal to acknowledge the existence of a deadly water-borne epidemic that is wiping out whole communities.

That sections of the international community have begun to clamor for the unexplored option of military intervention indicates that any plausible diplomatic options, including talks, have simply failed. People are perfectly aware of the risks and possible repercussions Zimbabweans face, you are not surrounded by idiots Prof. However, you will be surprised to find that the dominant sentiment among many a despairing, starving Zimbabwean is kusiri kufa ndekupi? (Which option is not death?).

The professor discusses two other possible options of ousting the incumbent: peaceful mass uprisings/demonstrations and free and fair elections. The former he immediately displays a lack of faith in and dismisses after highlighting the sadly gallant but true ineffectiveness of Zimbabwe civil society strategies that have time and time again failed to command people into joining marches and demonstrations. He describes Zimbabweans as lacking an appetite for an orange revolution. Ouch.

Sadly, I disagree with the Prof on what he deems to be the only way forward for Zimbabwe: free and fair elections. What cave has this man been hiding in? The March 08 election clearly articulated the people’s opinion, despite that certain logistics to do with percentages could not name the people’s choice a clear winner. But despite the fact that even after a rigged election Tsvangirai won, somebody refused to let go of the royal seat, and actually proceeded to unilaterally and unashamedly re-elect himself in a one-man race. Does the Prof sincerely believe such a somebody will one day be capable of partaking a democratic election and humbly exit if he loses; a thing he failed to do earlier when both the people’s open scorn and age beckoned? With or without going through a transitional period of national healing, does he think right thinking citizens are prepared for another brutal election when the trauma that accompanied the last will never be completely erased from their minds? What will make a leopard suddenly change its spots? I thought this does not take Rocket Scientist to figure out; clearly it takes more than that.

In the regard of fresh free and fair elections, Mutambara speaks in normatives that for this option; Mugabe “will have to be part of the transition.” Well how do you make him, Professor, because already, the man has demonstrated an inability to comply with the simple principles of both Universal Suffrage and honor among diplomats?

On negotiations, Mutambara says that because we all (predictably owing to our lack of strategic thinking) sanitized the March 08 farce as a legitimate outcome; it would be foolish to think Mugabe can be negotiated out of power. Well, if the Prof sincerely believes this and lacks faith in the talks, what the hell is he doing tugging along with the white-headed boys in the posh hotels? Nevertheless, it is purely understandable if it is the good food that beckons.

Those who think they are smarter than everyone must map out a good way forward for us seeing they are well placed to do so at the talks. They should desist from engaging unnecessarily in the business of disparaging those of their own caliber and stop insulting us further with the usual platitudes.

Crap, I say.

Sharing some comments recently received from Kubatana subscribers . . .

It’s strange how somebody talks with confidence, on a public media, about everything being ok in the country, needless to mention the educational sector. Believe it or not, students at some tertiary institutions are being called for to pay as much as US$450! But guess what the ‘government’ is offering our belearned lecturers; a whopping US$50. I need not explain the catastrophic repercussions of such a mean, ridiculous and ill brooded move on us, the students, and the future leaders of Zimbabwe.

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I am currently visiting South Africa and how the country has become a haven for Zimbabweans is rather depressing to say the least. There are criminal elements, vendors, entrepreneurs and so on. This other day I met a Zimbabwean prison warden, a very senior one for that matter, washing cars. He said he manages to feed his family that way; so why not.  Almost all backyard shacks are occupied by foreigners and these are mostly Zimbabweans. Everywhere I go, I meet people using the Shona language. With the Zimbabweans of Ndebele origin, it is a different matter, because they quickly integrate into the South African society because Ndebele and Isizulu are almost similar. South Africans have been accused of being lazy, but I do not think that is true. We have taken over their country and all thanks to Mugabe. We can not expect the South Africans to smile when Zimbabweans own houses, businesses etc using illegally acquired Identification documents.

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Zanu PF if you don’t inspire then expire! For how long have you talked about sovereignty and forming a government of national unity without the MDC-T? A one legged government under the existing chemistry of problems will not address the challenges the country is facing. It’s not only a matter of forming a government but of paramount importance will be the viability and productiveness of that government. Zanu PF has proved to be a failure for past years hence nothing much if any will come out from these greedy men.

A colleague phoned yesterday freaked out because there is a dead body of a vagabond lying a short distance from their offices somewhere close to the Grain Marketing Board in Eastlea. Today the body is still there and has apparently started to stink and bloat. The police have for some reason been stalling on collecting it. My friend thinks it’s a bad sign for starting the year.

Another phoned to complain that after struggling all of last year to raise enough money to go and pay lobola for his girl, she has suddenly decided she wants a little more time to achieve a few goals before she can commit herself. Another bad sign perhaps?

Having a positive mindset seems to be a crucial ingredient for survival this year. As long as some things remain unchanged, situations promise to get worse. I find that appreciating the little things in life is good place to start, speaking of which, one kind hearted lady, a work colleague’s mum – sent me a bottle of scented anti-bacterial hand cleanser all the way from DC. That little bottle has become one of the most treasured contents in my sports bag in these times of cholera.

This year I don’t know how others are doing it but I just can’t seem to get enough bus fare to take me to and from work by public transport. Everything simply doesn’t make sense and Zim dollar cash is getting more and more slippery. Frustrated, I’ve just taken to walking whichever routes I can and thankfully, my 5km work route is one of them. The walk is not all that pleasant but is made bearable and less lonely by my trusty Ipod mini coupled with the ability to tell myself this is critical exercise. My butt already feels a tad firmer. The only downside so far is that in unfriendly weather, your water-resistant watch succumbs to the rain.

However, listening to music while I walk is like having a conversation with the artists. Some I disagree with while others I believe should stick to the subject of love because they just don’t know what the hell they are talking about. Among some interesting conversations, Bob Marley talks about the ‘Guiltiness’ that characterizes the lives of politicians whom he refers to as the ‘big fish who always try to eat down the small fish.’ He says, ‘Guiltiness rests on their conscience. They live a life of false pretence everyday. Each and everyday. They would do anything to materialize their every wish.’

Almost suddenly, Celine Dion jumps in and screams ‘I’m alive!’ Which I think is the important thing left when there is nothing else much you can do about the situation around you. That is why I’m going to thank God each day I’m alive this year because it’s nothing short of a miracle under the circumstances. In Zimbabwe if you can still enjoy a few pleasures of life, it’s only decent to be thankful and enjoy them to the fullest.

Have you made any new year’s resolutions was one of the first things a colleague asked me when we officially opened for the year?

I told her I was still thinking about it as I do not want to commit myself to things I will never get around to doing. This is true so far as ‘serious’ or ‘real’ resolutions are concerned. I mean, I have made a couple of ‘silly’ resolutions that don’t necessarily make you feel bad if by the end of the year you don’t achieve them, like learn to bake for instance. I’ve already made my first tray of muffins (or were they scones?). Soft inside but hardish outside; couldn’t figure what they lacked and where the hell do you get cinnamon? My other resolution is to factor in more board games. I’ve already purchased a game of Monopoly and boy am I enjoying it! I happen to have a couple of ‘serious’ resolutions lingering in the back of my mind, like vigorously pursuing an Mphil and getting myself more organized in my work or improving my technical skills. But achieving the simplest things in Zimbabwe can be a Herculean task. Nothing is simple anymore.

From these little resolutions, it looks like 09 for me is about confronting and overcoming challenges. Put mildly, it’s about doing things I have never done. If only embracing bigger challenges at a national level was as simple.

I have several other ‘silly’ and much easier to achieve resolutions like buy and actually wear a dress at least once this year. Cut down on (cough) chocolate. I will also try not to yell at my neighbor’s noisy brats when they sing and play catch along the corridor on Saturday morning while I clutch desperately at the straws of a well deserved lie in. If not to stop the rascals from nudging my satellite dish in retaliation, then to avoid developing a coronary or any other stress related disorders. Sigh. Somebody might wonder why those ‘silly’ things are resolutions at all. Well, just to enjoy the little joys of life I say. I resolve to try and do a lot of that this year, and relax a little more. So far I’ve discovered that lying on an airbed and watching my fish swim endlessly in their glass tank is such an uplifting and liberating experience. They lead such a simple life; eat. shit.

A family member or two have phoned with a few suggestions of New Year resolutions for me. Please try and tone down a bit Natasha we don’t want another Jestina.

And, by the way, when are the wedding bells?