Alex Magaisa rightly questions Zimbabwean politicians who educate their children outside Zimbabwe at great expense whilst allocating our teachers here at home a wage of US$100 a month.

There is always one easy way to spot a Zimbabwean at a dinner table. He or she will be the first one to reach for the salt shaker, thereafter proceeding to generously scatter grains of the white stuff onto his or her food.

Soups, gravies, meats, veggies – you name it. Extra salt is always a necessity.

The culture is so deeply ingrained (excuse the pun!) in many of us that we don’t even wait to first taste our food – thus gauging its levels of flavour. We just go ahead and shake, shower and rattle more sodium chloride onto it.

And when that precious condiment is found missing at a table, before very long, someone will point out, with frustration, to the host that the munyu is nowhere to be seen.

An unhealthy habit, right?

Absolutely. But try talking cholesterol to any salt fiend and you’ll probably get this answer, “But I can’t taste anything if I don’t add more salt!”

Sure, I’ve heard that people who regularly consume alcohol experience a deadening of their taste buds, hence their desire for more salt in their food. And older people, too, experience a dulling of their senses due to age. So what’s the excuse for the rest of us?

I suppose we are just socialised into the use of lots of salt from an early age. But as for me, I can’t stand it!

My mum and I have had to come to an amicable agreement on the seasoning of our food. After enough winces (initiated by me, of course!) at the saltiness of her cooking, she has decided that whenever she cooks something, she will let me first put the salt that’s adequate for my taste buds. After I have taken my share, she will proceed to add more of it to suit her own preference. The same is true when I cook.

It’s called compromise!

I remember once going for a dinner hosted by an American family here in Zimbabwe. As I recall, the meal was beautiful beef stroganoff served on a plate of fluffy white rice.

“Here, you’ll probably need this,” said the hostess as she passed the salt cellar to me. I took one forkful of food and, after swallowing, replied that the salt was just fine. “No extra salt for me, thanks,” I said. “Gosh,” she said in amazement. “You’re the first Zimbabwean I’ve met who doesn’t add extra salt to my food!”

Ah well, different salts for different folks!

And, now that they are in, the likes of Biti have a vested interest in the unity government’s success. That may not be a bad thing in itself. But they should be very wary of the old fox Mugabe. It was always believed his strategy would be to suck in the MDC and use its foreign credibility to revive the economy (and lift the travel bans on the president and his mates) while he and Zanu PF maintained control. Meanwhile, the MDC would be contaminated by association with Zanu PF. We have seen nothing to contradict that understanding of Mugabe’s game plan. Already we are seeing poor Tsvangirai trying to explain away the new farm invasions. Unless the MDC can get the rule of law restored very soon, it should pull out of this government. And even before then, it should hand back those Mercedes-Benzes, the very symbols of co-option. - Comment from the Cape Times SA, 6th April

There appears to be something inherently wrong with everything concerning African politics. The more rhetoric is contradicted by reality, the better the job. While everybody agrees that Zimbabwe needs a literal quick-fix, there appears to be no “global” signposts about what ideal conditions have to set or met for this quick-fix to come to fruition.

We have on one hand the PM appealing to the end of the violent expropriation of white-owned commercial farms, on the other, the usual militants upping the ante making sure they loot whatever is left before anything emerges from this government that would bar lawlessness and effectively forced farm acquisitions and abductions – at least among other State-sponsored evils.

We still have the country’s highest courts refusing to grant bail to jailed activists, yet Mugabe calls Tsvangirai his brother, a brother who has demanded the release of those same activists and also his incarcerated supporters. So much for fraternal love!

The formation of the inclusive government is obviously something sceptics accepted grudgingly and one which inveterate optimists welcomed as a sure-fire solution to the country’s longstanding crisis.

But debate has raged about the Vic Falls shindig where a 100-day plan was adopted as a benchmark to be used to keep tabs on what needs to be done to move the nation forward. Intellectuals, academics, street know-it-alls had unkind words for the retreat that it was a waste of time and money. Turns out the World Bank met the tab, so then it wasn’t our money being spent why complain right? Wrong! Is this not the same WB that has set stringent conditions for the government concerning the re-opening of credit lines etc? The same people who always have harsh words against government spending.

Where the splashing of money occurs no matter how noble – if at all –  in a time and place where poverty is ubiquitous, surely questions are bound to be asked about the morality of it all. Why waste so much on an already bloated cabinet when it could have been put to better use considering cholera and dead everything? But that is now water under the bridge: they came, they talked, they ate, visited the John, they went. The nation watched, drooled, cried, and slept on empty stomachs. Harsh you say. Well, that’s the truth Ruth.

Perhaps these are just some of the issues that have been blurred and become inconsequential both in public and media discourse that people become conveniently amnesiac when the money is THROWN AT them not WITHHELD FROM them?

We were told it (the Vic Falls retreat) was designed as an opportunity for them to bond, James Bond. Whether it worked remains to be seen, but I always have a problem with people who always try to stretch and impose the Christian virtues on others, and for purposes of political expediency, appeal to superhuman responses and glibly preach “forgiveness” and “moving forward.”

Is the political Man easily inclined to that metanoia – perhaps Mandela, but it sure is a marvel to see men and women who were bludgeoned to near death grinning and rubbing shoulders – among other things – with their erstwhile tormentors all for good of the nation. Ain’t that saintly? But all this takes a lot of stretching of the faith of “ye of poor faith,” to understand really what is happening, yet we also know the fate of hypocrites as laid down by the Holy Book. So, as they would say, hypocrites beware! And here I am particularly thinking Zanu PF. Sorry. Speck in a brother’s eye, log in mine? Heard it all before folks, thanks!

I was taken aback when I read the Sunday Times of South Africa the other day where Finance Minister Trevor Manuel cracked the fiscal whip on public servants where he cut unnecessary spending on travel, hotel accommodation, restaurant bills etc. These are the chaps who seem to believe taxpayers’ money is manna from heaven to be spent whichever way they please. Reminded me of the old Sicilian saying: “public money is like Holy Water, everybody helps himself to it.”

But good thing there are men with enough scruples to stymie these palatial romps. The minister said the saved cash could go a long way in meeting the government’s more urgent social services obligations or something to that effect. This same thrift has been demanded by the Zim Finance Minister, but still we get pointers that African politics will always be tinged with that unpalatable attraction to extravagance in circumstances that demand utmost self-deprecation.

But then, the sentiment here has always been that one cannot be a politician and be poor at the same time. A poor politician, come on give us a break! It is obvious then that our own FM will have a tough task convincing men and women who since 1980 saw a seat in parliament as a passport to wild wealth to cut down on “eating” taxpayers’ money. Thus the dangling of the ostentatious Mercs to the very men and women who vehemently criticized these status creatures as the ultimate sign of the betrayal of the struggle by the founding party becomes for the ordinary Jack just that – a betrayal of the very principles that gave birth to Zimbabwe’s only real political opposition. But who cares?

Contradictions galore in our politics and one just has to forgive them who see this GPA thing as being another Africa hocus pocus meant to pacify restive citizens by means of perpetuating the status quo but disguising it as a people-centric experiment. If it doesn’t work – which it never will as we all know because we will still go to elections at an appointed time – then we can always point to the traditional fall guys and blame them for the fallout.

As some sages of yore observed, the human spirit is full surprises. We may wake up one day with Zanu PF deciding the MDC-T is sure indeed the only political entity with the wherewithal to rescue the country. Well, dream on, a voice whispers.

The question one has to ask is what are we likely to see at the expiration of the tenure of this inclusive government when polls are called and the MDC-T once again emerges victorious in those elections? Another Zanu PF rebuttal of the people’s popular vote, then another protracted impasse as political parties jockey over what is best for the country, then another inclusive government? When is it all going to end? Perhaps when there is no one to offer political opposition to the founding party? You must hear the frustration in the street. Listen to any civil servant and you will weep.

Someone said the other day that with the coming of the MDC into government in February life suddenly changed for the better, so imagine if free and fair elections were held in the 18 or 100 months they are scheduled, would Zanu PF stand a chance? These are questions crisis and poverty weary Zimbabweans ask – well at least in Bulawayo. They just want to get on with their lives without envying the politicians’ gravy.

I interviewed a vendor the other day and asked him what he most strongly felt should change in his life after the signing of the GPA and the subsequent formation of the tripartite government. He was brutally honest: “I just want a proper job in the factories. I have no respect selling razor blades in the streets and living in fear of police raids all the time.” There you have it gentlemen, go ahead, wear the fancy suits, drink the whisky, drive Mercs you benzis, have another retreat after the 100-days, again put benchmarks but for god’s sake remember that vendor. It ain’t easy being an African politician, just don’t make it even harder for yourselves by doing all the wrong things.

One of the resolutions of the Victoria Falls Retreat was the reform and liberalisation of the media in Zimbabwe.

Freeing the airwaves should be a lot quicker than tackling the outrageous levels of unemployment or other infrastructural problems.

Perhaps the irony inherent in this BBC report doesn’t register in the minds of our reform promising politicians.

Inside the bars, the politicians mingled and cracked jokes. As the retreat drew to a close, a musical show was staged by a popular local Sungura musician, Tongayi Moyo. After feasting on a buffet, the ministers took to the dance floor, outside the elegant pool gardens of the hotel, next to the golf course. And Tongayi Moyo belted out his song “Things Must Change / Political Violence”, which is banned by the state broadcaster. The lyrics say: “You can’t continue practising violence for long, it will come to haunt you.” “The most decorated of military officers have their time, they won’t be saluted forever,” the song goes, adding “violence has its time, things must change”. Zanu PF ministers may not have been paying much attention to the lyrics. But they danced along anyway. Read more

Clearly its a case of It’s My Party and I’ll Dance If I Want To, because c’mon, we should all be able to turn the volume up on our radios and dance to Tongayi.

Media freedom, which is also one of the promises of the Global Political Agreement, is not being delivered on.

What other promises do you want to make sure are kept? Keep the politicians accountable. Contact JOMIC, the body responsible for monitoring adherence to the agreement on wncube (at) africaonline (dot) co (dot) zw  and cc funsthole (at) yahoo (dot) com

Congratulations to Zimbabwean writer Brian Chikwava on the publishing of his new book, Harare North. The Kubatana team are Fans of Brian; clearly we’re more into artists than politicians! Sometime ago, okay a few years back, we interviewed Brian and in so doing launched our series of Inside/Out interviews. Go on, they’re worth a read!

Anyway, here’s Brian from way back when; I’m reminded that we both have the same favourite journey.

Inside/Out with author Brian Chikwava
Kubatana.net
January 16, 2006

Describe yourself in five words?
Short, stained teeth, highly strung

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
To use witchcraft against the state

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever done?
Search for a n’anga who could show me how to strike someone with lightning

What is your most treasured possession?
Empathy

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Mental illness

Do you have any strange hobbies?
Counting pigeons after a good drink

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Teeth

What is your greatest extravagance?
Fanta and a rock bun

What have you got in your fridge?
1 beer and rotten milk

What is your greatest fear?
Not waking up in the morning

What have you got in your pockets right now?
Nothing

What is your favourite journey?
To the bar

Who are your heroes in real life?
The man on the street (in Zim)

When and where were you happiest?
This memory has faded away

What’s your biggest vice?
Sleeping all day when I know I have work to do

What were you like at school?
Reticent

What are you doing next?
Running away from the landlord before he comes to collect his rent

*Brian Chikwava is a Zimbabwean writer and musician. He won the fifth annual Caine Prize for African writing in 2004