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Steps to becoming a good commuter omnibus driver

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  1. Put on your turning indicator light and keep going straight when you reach the turn. Better yet, when you are actually going to turn ahead, do NOT indicate, just turn suddenly.
  2. When you reach the red traffic lights at an intersection, stop briefly but keep inching the omnibus nose forward. Somehow this makes the lights turn green faster.
  3. There is always an extra lane. And don’t buy that crap that you can’t overtake on the left. Zvinokushayisa shura.
  4. Play the music extra loud and maintain a constancy of between 100 – 120kph. You will need this for your own peace of mind and to drown the voices of annoying passengers (who often ask for needless change too). They lack business sense and appreciation for adrenalin.
  5. Any vehicle moving slower than yours should not be on the road at all. You can make sure this doesn’t happen by closely tailgating the car in front of you. But just be careful with the Mercs, you’d spend a lifetime paying for a dent.
  6. Keep loose small change on you at all times. Makes it easier with the cops. Always remember to call them ‘Chef’ and ‘Baas’ whenever you speak to them.
  7. You can stop and pick/drop a passenger anywhere and don’t even bother about the hazards. What do you mean ‘what if there is no stop sign?’
  8. When you pick up a passenger, the moment they lift a foot to get in, step on the gas. And remember, the benches are all designed to fit four passengers each, whatever their size. In extremely tight situations, you may situate one passenger paKadoma.
  9. Remember, the best public transport drivers are ones that learned on the job. Don’t bother about driving school, just start off as a Hwindi and occasionally hob nob with seasoned transporters especially those based on Harare, Chinhoyi and Kaguvi streets. If you can drive in that jungle, you can drive anywhere in the world.
  10. In the extremely rare and unlikely event that you get involved in an accident, jump out and RUN!

If you think you cant do all the above, get another day job, you are a loser.

One comment to “Steps to becoming a good commuter omnibus driver”

  1. Comment by Nikola:

    Great idea! Now here’s how to get a good German busdriver:
    1. Arrive at the bus stop at 9.32 and don’t wait a minute longer for a passenger runnig towards the bus, close the doors just in front of their nose.
    2. If you need a bread, close the doors, even if it is freezing cold outside and don’t let the waiting people in. Open the doors at 9.31.
    3. Never play music on the bus.
    4. Don’t smile.
    5. Don’t speak even if you’re spoken to.
    6. If you speak, then only to give orders: STEP AWAY FROM THE DOOR.
    7. Break strongly whenever you can, so that people tumble towards you.
    8. Don’t let people get off the bus through the front door, even if they’re just standing there. It is not allowed, so you don’t allow it either.
    9. You never stop when there’s no bus stop.
    10. There is no 10. In German buslines there is always a missing number in the system. Yes, we also need some little rebellion.