We recently asked our audience to let us know what they thought the job description for the new Pope might look like. Here’s our favourite:
Description: CEO, Rome Inc
1. To head the biggest property empire on the globe, including 20% of Italian real estate but also built upon various sources of wealth such as looted Jewish funds, stolen Inca gold, appropriated goods of various heretics, the weekly fleecing of one billion sheep, etc.
2. Maintain the integrity of the Articles of Association (referred to as “The Bible”) but to change these if and when expediency demands.
3. Ensure the population of the world continues to explode by ensuring your shareholders avoid contraception even if it costs them their lives.
4. Maintain the poverty and ignorance of the flock since knowledge is the source of all evil.
5. Deny evolution even if you think it might be true. Remember Galileo, Newton, Darwin – all scientists are heretics and enemies, except the “useful idiot” types who profess both faith and science.
6. Maintain the subservience of women – they are breeding vessels for the holy seed of Man. But you must not lie with them because they will defile you. Yes, that doesn’t make sense – get used to it: there’s more like that.
7. Protect your staff at all costs (eg relocation of child rapists, pregnant nuns, etc) except for errant bank staff who may be left dangling.
8. Maintain an extensive library of porn and other literature that should not be seen by anyone else.
- Male, (with two testicles – we will check after that unfortunate incident some years ago. If you fool us and we find out, we will be very very cross and you will be very very burnt)
- Age: over 16 but please, don’t make us laugh! Don’t bother unless you are over 70 but 80+ is no worry. No retirement age (yes, we know he just did but that was a surprise, okay) and we prefer it if you die on the job since it reduces the mess – what can you do with an ex-pope?
Preferably a previous member of the inner circle called “cardinals” (because, you know, they are, like, numero duo dudes waiting and waiting for the main chance) but this is not essential. Should be a Catholic but you can convert if your application is successful.
Sexual Orientation: hey, if you have to ask … absolutely no LGBTs. Celibacy is a good thing but if you have a wife on the side and some rugrats, make sure the media do not hear about it, especially you Africans, we know celibacy is not in your culture. Choirboys are available as needed but remember what happened to Leo X.
Belief: not essential but a plus if you know the texts and can recite them without smiling. You can be fallible but once you make a decision, no-one may question it even if it is wrong, so relax – being Pope means never having to say you are sorry.
Politics: so you think Mussolini was left-wing? Hitler was a pussy? – you’re our guy. Must be socially conservative but able to spin cant and dogma into something deeply spiritual and meaningful.
Denialism is a must: remember “No” is your motto.
Languages: Italian, but GCSE Latin a plus.
Computer skills: of course not, don’t be silly.
Dress Code: yes, you have to wear the dress but you know that already having been a cardinal. Funny hats a must.
Salary: No, but you won’t need one, we pay for it all.
Location: Vatican, numerous palaces and properties around the world, “where do you want to go today?”
Perks: travel to exotic lands and wave at millions of adoring fans, free helicopter rides, nuns, jewellery good art collection, funny car, cool dudes to protect you, did we mention the choirboys?
Do not phone us or twitter or Facebook for this job.