Kubatana.net ~ an online community of Zimbabwean activists

Job description: The Pope

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We recently asked our audience to let us know what they thought the job description for the new Pope might look like. Here’s our favourite:

Description: CEO, Rome Inc

Job Description

1. To head the biggest property empire on the globe, including 20% of Italian real estate but also built upon various sources of wealth such as looted Jewish funds, stolen Inca gold, appropriated goods of various heretics, the weekly fleecing of one billion sheep, etc.
2. Maintain the integrity of the Articles of Association (referred to as “The Bible”) but to change these if and when expediency demands.
3. Ensure the population of the world continues to explode by ensuring your shareholders avoid contraception even if it costs them their lives.
4. Maintain the poverty and ignorance of the flock since knowledge is the source of all evil.
5. Deny evolution even if you think it might be true. Remember Galileo, Newton, Darwin – all scientists are heretics and enemies, except the “useful idiot” types who profess both faith and science.
6. Maintain the subservience of women – they are breeding vessels for the holy seed of Man. But you must not lie with them because they will defile you. Yes, that doesn’t make sense – get used to it: there’s more like that.
7. Protect your staff at all costs (eg relocation of child rapists, pregnant nuns, etc) except for errant bank staff who may be left dangling.
8. Maintain an extensive library of porn and other literature that should not be seen by anyone else.

- Male, (with two testicles – we will check after that unfortunate incident some years ago. If you fool us and we find out, we will be very very cross and you will be very very burnt)
- Age: over 16 but please, don’t make us laugh! Don’t bother unless you are over 70 but 80+ is no worry. No retirement age (yes, we know he just did but that was a surprise, okay) and we prefer it if you die on the job since it reduces the mess – what can you do with an ex-pope?

Previous Experience
Preferably a previous member of the inner circle called “cardinals” (because, you know, they are, like, numero duo dudes waiting and waiting for the main chance) but this is not essential. Should be a Catholic but you can convert¬† if your application is successful.

Sexual Orientation: hey, if you have to ask … absolutely no LGBTs. Celibacy is a good thing but if you have a wife on the side and some rugrats, make sure the media do not hear about it, especially you Africans, we know celibacy is not in your culture. Choirboys are available as needed but remember what happened to Leo X.

Belief: not essential but a plus if you know the texts and can recite them without smiling. You can be fallible but once you make a decision, no-one may question it even if it is wrong, so relax – being Pope means never having to say you are sorry.

Politics: so you think Mussolini was left-wing? Hitler was a pussy? – you’re our guy. Must be socially conservative but able to spin cant and dogma into something deeply spiritual and meaningful.

Denialism is a must: remember “No” is your motto.

Languages: Italian, but GCSE Latin a plus.

Computer skills: of course not, don’t be silly.

Dress Code: yes, you have to wear the dress but you know that already having been a cardinal. Funny hats a must.

Salary: No, but you won’t need one, we pay for it all.

Location: Vatican, numerous palaces and properties around the world, “where do you want to go today?”

Perks: travel to exotic lands and wave at millions of adoring fans, free helicopter rides, nuns, jewellery  good art collection, funny car, cool dudes to protect you, did we mention the choirboys?

Do not phone us or twitter or Facebook for this job.

9 comments to “Job description: The Pope”

  1. Comment by ttttt:

    Mocking religious heads is the lowest that Kubatana could ever go to. This is the lowest of the low. I actually believed in your cause but to ask people to mock someones beliefs like this and you want them to believe that your principles include respect for diversity and freedom of choice of religion blah blah its the lowest you could go down to. If you have personal issues with the religion its your own babby but to try and feed it to others eish this is sad.

  2. Comment by mafushwa:

    If God cant take a joke, what the hell

  3. Comment by Danhire:

    This is not only disrespectful and offensive, Kubatana, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
    You have lost yourselves some good supporters with this.

  4. Comment by eklassei:

    This is a satanic attack on the church. Its one thing not to believe, but another to be offensive. This is Low. Sadly, i dont blame the writter as there are sick people out there, but i blame Kubatana for taking this as a joke. Its nothing but plain rudeness.

  5. Comment by eklassei:


    Jokes have limits and bounds, you cant take others suffering and beliefs as a joke, thats just wrong, its saddism.

  6. Comment by mafushwa:

    Absolutely no disrespect intended at others suffering or indeed others beliefs. Just a comment on the institutions that proliferate around religions.

    Opus Dei – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    Opus Dei, formally known as The Prelature of the Holy Cross and Opus Dei (Latin : Praelatura Sanctae Crucis et Operis Dei), is an institution of the Roman …
    Controversies about Opus Dei – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    Opus Dei is one of the most controversial movements within the Roman Catholic Church. While it is supported by various Popes and conservative Catholic …
    The Ways of Opus Dei – TIME
    16 Apr 2006 … It’s not the villain that The Da Vinci Code sets it up to be. But it has been a mystery. An inside look at the most controversial group in …

  7. Comment by shiz_shiz:

    great joke i must say, !!!!, but it has a bit of some truth, probably that’s why some guys are choking..@eklassei, @Danhire..etc

  8. Comment by Richard Chere:

    Disrespectful, Indeed!

  9. Comment by kletters:

    Joking and making fun with Religion is not good, @mafushwa, there will always be controversies every where but remember the sites you are quoting are written by other humans just like you and me and do not take it to be true just because it is on the internet! @Kubatana, you have continually failed to show respect to members that are of the Roman Catholic faith by keeping this page up. It should be put down!!